How I Talk to my Little Ones about the Pandemic

It’s fair to say this has been a hard year to navigate as parent of a young child. As more states go into another lockdown and we continue to reevaluate our risks, I wanted to let you in on how I speak to my four (almost five) year old son about what’s happening around us. I want to be clear here in that I am not a child psychologist, scientist, nor do I have education in child development. This is simply a summary of how we talk about whats happening in our world right now within our family.

“Germs”

We talk openly about germs and our role within the context of spreading them. This goes for more than Covid-19. Germs in themselves are not something unusual (or inherently bad) existing in our world. While this is hopefully the only pandemic that will happen within our children’s lifetime, it’s important to keep the conversation about cleanliness, germs, spreading, etc a normal one. Consider taking time to also specify that there are differences between viruses. The terms “germs” does not equal Covid-19, Flu, or a common cold. A cough does not mean a quarantine situation and a cold will not result in an ER visit. Often, at least with our son, anxiety tends to present itself in the unknown. So, when we understand exactly what we’re talking about when we say “getting sick” it lowers the opportunity for misunderstandings or anxiety to be present.

Another aspect of viruses we don’t want to gloss over is the entire field of professionals who study them. When talking about “germs,” we also take a minute to point out that scientists are currently studying it and working hard on a vaccine so that he will be able to see and hug his friends again.

Our “Jobs”

After just about six months of properly social distancing, the question of “will the coronavirus ever go away?” started popping up. This is a valid question from a kid who is exhausted by the precautions in place. One of the points we have to emphasize (on an almost daily basis) at this point is “the germs may not go away for a while, but we have to figure out how to do our jobs until they do.”

What are our jobs? My four year old’s job is simple: be a big brother and a student. His job is to focus on learning while also being the best big brother he can be. Some duties that fall within his job(s) include pretty much anything school related, while modeling patience, responsibility, sharing, etc. Even things like getting rest, eating healthy, and other daily tasks fall under this job. This is his focus area. When we talk openly about viruses and the effects on our world, it’s important that we remind him that he already has tasks to focus on. The weight of the world is heavy. As someone who deals with anxiety, I want to have honest discussions about hard topics without creating an environment where it can potentially create anxiety around it. This is where a parent’s role comes in.

What is a parent’s role? Again, kind of simple (on paper at least): handle everything else and take care of them. Parents do the worrying, do the risk assessment of each activity, and keep up with the reality of how dangerous this virus is. We also still have to plan dinner and take care of them. That isn’t a child’s role. We often have to verbalize “this is a job for mommy and daddy” when we can sense concern or frustration. When you pick up on anxiety in questions/conversations around the virus, I encourage you to answer honestly. “Is the virus scary?” “Will _______ get better?” “Will I ever get to play with my friends again?” It makes sense that distracting or dismissing would be the go-to for a four year old’s questions, but go ahead and answer these. “Yes, the coronavirus can be scary, but we have to continue doing our jobs and it’s important that you be brave in order to do yours.” “I don’t know if ______ will be ok but it’s important we take care of them the best we can in a safe way. What should we do for them?” “You will absolutely get to see your friends again. You’ll get to hug them, play tag, and have so much fun. This will not be forever, but it is right now.” It’s tempting to say “yes ______ will be great in no time” and move on, but I want my kids to know I’ll both listen to them and be honest with them. Even within quick conservations with little ones, we’re able to teach them what authentic, honest, and loving communication looks like.

People are not Scary

This point may feel a little silly to an adult, but this is worth bringing up. A hesitation of being around people is a behavior I watch for. While we (as parents) may see a bit of a social regression and some shyness on the other end of all this, I try to counteract that as much as possible. We take walks around our neighborhood almost every day, waving and chatting it up (often from across the street). We Facetime friends and family to stay connected almost every day. Occasionally, we have to verbalize this point but it’s important to specify that it’s not about avoiding people, it’s about avoiding the virus.

How We Speak

This is an important part of our role as a parent. We (within our home) will not skip over the conversation of “germs,” sigh at the questions being asked, or shame others (looking right you anti-mask folks). Living this out isn’t easy but it’s a big one to try and get right. We don’t need to explain that places may shut down as a result of those who don’t wear masks. We don’t need to explain the mishandling of the virus within almost every level of our government. We don’t sigh or send (what could be) dismissive nonverbal cues when presented with (likely repetitive) questions about the virus. We don’t talk about the number of deaths, side effects, or hurt within our word because of it.

Now, do we talk about all of these things? Of course. Just not in front of our kids. My four year is a sponge, and — I kid you not — it’s in the moment when you think he’s not listening that he actually soaked up every word in the conversation and picked up on the feelings attached to it.

When talking about how our own habits have changed over the year, we try to keep them as positive as possible. We are not fearful. We’re loving. The precautions we implement are a direct result of that love for others. When we put action behind our love for others, it will often be inconvenient for us.

Keep in Mind

When I say “point out” or “talk about,” I want to provide context for those conversations. If you’re familiar with children, you’ll know that the majority of these “conversations” happen out of nowhere and happen fast. We don’t call family meetings with the kids to discuss these things. They usually pop up on our way to a grocery pickup, or when we see a crowded playground.

The key to successfully being able to have these moments is to just be ready for the conversation. Mentally prep yourself for the questions. Physically prep yourself not to roll your eyes when they ask (for the millionth time). The words we say matter, and a consistent message matters just as much. Even if you’ve answered the same question over and over, answer it again. I want my children to feel safe asking me questions about anything and it’s small steps like these that help build that foundation of trust.

Navigating a pandemic is hard. Navigating a pandemic while looking out for the future wellbeing (both mentally and physically) of another person is just as hard. There will be lasting effects from the spread of Covid-19 and the precautions put into place. We’ll see those play out in out world, our city, our communities, but also within our families.